Thursday at the beach

Spent a lovely, lazy, sunny day with Cousin yesterday, first at the beach in Kihei (the Secret Beach, clothing optional, in sight of Bowie and Iman’s house), then at Spago in the Four Seasons building where he treated me to a swanky dinner of sushi cones and walu (fish) and cocktails – the bill came to $170, not including tip (holymoly). He said we got out of there pretty cheap, though; in the past he’s spent more than that himself. The last time he was there Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy were dining at another table. I said, “What is Jenny McCarthy famous for?” and he said the movie she made, Dirty Love I think it’s called, was really funny. We were at the beach so long I was actually ready to leave this time. Cousin made a nice sand castle and started on a mermaid as well, but didn’t get very far; I made a sad little castle myself that got sanded over by the window pretty quick. I got lots of sun and am now a candy cane: bright red from the waist up, then WHITE in my bathing suit area – not the most flattering look; I should’ve sunbathed nude like Cousin and others do. Now I’ll probably be peeling for the Victoria/Victoria party next weekend. But I am on my way to a nice bronze Island tan (I used some of Cousin’s bronzing spray). He drank Pyramid apricot ale, made in Portland. It was unusually calm today so the waves weren’t as fun, and the sun was behind the clouds much of the time, but we saw a whale, and Cousin said he could hear their whale language when he went under water, but when I went under I didn’t hear anything. The maid came over and cleaned this morning and I briefly spoke with her: she was nice. I told her about Michelle Obama making the unforgivable mistake of patting the Queen of England on the back (John Stewart had a funny riff on that on tonight’s Daily Show). Tomorrow I finally get to see the Hana house, the one that used to be Heavenly Flora: I’m going with Cousin to do some landscaping work – weed killing and mowing and such. I’ll earn some more money that way. I’ve been here only a week, and I guess I’m doing pretty good so far: I’ve already taken in Haiku, Paia, Kahului, Lahaina and Kihei. Cousin will be gone most of June with J. – they’re going first to Seattle for a friend’s memorial, then to London for a while, and K. is also going to Russia around the same time, so I’ll have this whole fabulous house to myself (not counting Ilio and Nikita, our dogs) for most of June! Good time to come and visit me, if you’re able...

Bohemian Grove / PX90 / Rahm Emanuel / Adventureland

I had two drinks – but only two – at Biddy’s with Kirk last night. David Clayton, M.D., author of “The Healthy Guide to Unhealthy Living,” says one or two drinks a night is actually good for you, whether it’s a glass of red wine, a bottle of beer or a shot of scotch – they’re all more or less equal, although red wine does contain some antioxidants not found in other liquors. Kirk is still going strong with his New World Order theories and the apocalyptic mentality of the incurably paranoid. Kirk is an absolute nut, but he does have his entertainment value. I’m not saying there isn’t any truth to them, but there have been people predicting various sorts of apocalypses for centuries now – it’s not exactly a new thing. My view is that everything is cyclical. There will always be evil in the world and there will always be good, every so often evil gets the upper hand, but good always seems to bring it back down again eventually. Empires never last, although it’s true the Roman one lasted quite a while – but still only the blink of an eye on the vast stage of world history. Kirk told me about the Bohemian Grove, some weird pagan party in the woods of California where all the most powerful people in the world secretly meet and there are gay orgies held there and apparently there’s footage of Richard Milhaus Nixon disparaging the “goddamned faggots prancing around the redwoods” somewhere on YouTube. I should check it out but somehow the subject doesn’t command my attention enough. Kirk thinks President Obama and his right-hand man Rahm Emanuel may be gay lovers, that Obama is bi and that’s part of why he’s so into Lincoln. He theorizes that’s why Michelle Obama is so “manly.” I don’t exactly think she’s manly. She’s big boned, certainly not petite, but “manly” to me is a butch dyke with a mustache and flannels. Michelle has a somewhat androgynous body, and I’ve always found people with androgynous bodies among the most attractive people around. Ziggy Stardust, anyone?

A woman at the Hat Party told me about the PX90 diet/workout program, which operates on the theory of “muscle confusion.” Athletes use it a lot. She said that no matter how much you exercise, you eventually hit a wall where you can’t go any further, the best you can do is maintain. But with the PX90, you continually rotate different areas of your body for workout, meaning you never hit that wall, because your body never settles into a groove of knowing what to expect, so you can just keep going, getting in better and better shape. I’ll have to check that out if pilates reaches what economists refer to as “the law of diminishing returns.”

Unfortunately most of the Hat Party footage is just too dark to be of much use, I think. I’ll have to break the news to Pat gently. Although I might be able to salvage some of it through the magic of post-production.

I caught a press screening of "Adventureland" this morning - the new movie by the director of "Superbad." It was really quite good. Heterosexuals are so cute.

Do I write with a quill of poison? Nay, my friend, my pen is equal parts poison, magic and gold. It just depends which one you deserve....and on the mercurial mood of the tiger.