“Exanimate” would be a good word for my mood right now. Actually, “frustrated and pissed off” would be better. When I stop drinking a lot of emotion comes to the surface that I’ve been repressing. I am pissed at one friend for having a fucking video camera and not using it for film projects, so I have to check out all the equipment from the fucking media center, lug it to where we’re filming without a vehicle, then return it on time. I am pissed at another friend – whose family I am pretty sure now is independently wealthy, though she never talks about money – for sitting on an EMPTY HOUSE that she OWNS here in Portland rather than letting a friend who is leaving Portland in three months live there and PAY HER RENT, or at the very least, store some stuff in her house FOR A STORAGE FEE, until I can have it shipped to San Francisco. And these two friends are also the ones who I’m supposed to be doing “Moonshine Boulevard” with, but I can tell neither of them is as into it as I am, and I’m just not going to put all that work into a project only to have it not come to fruition. And I am pissed at mySELF, too, for having insomnia last night, not being able to sleep, and consequently sleeping through the meeting I was supposed to have with my cast for “Art Police” this morning. So now that project fell through. Well, actually, just that cast fell through. I’m already working on another arrangement so I can still get this film made in January. I hope so. I am so artistically blue-balled right now. I don’t have sex – have been celibate for six years, going on seven! – creative projects ARE my sex, and realizing one is akin to a glorious orgasm, while this is like....the opposite of that.
Fuck. Maybe it’s just end-of-the-year doldrums. Let’s hope so. In that case things should start to look up in a couple days.
By the way, as a couple people may know, I had a blog on Today.com called “The Intellectual Homosexual” for a little while, but it fizzled pretty quickly, mainly because there was no incentive – they never paid me, though they were supposed to pay a small amount – but also because I just don’t think Today.com is the right venue for me. So that’s why I started at www.tonyletigre.com – to have my own forum and be completely independent, to post as often or as seldom as I like, and as much or as little as I like, on ANY TOPIC I desire to write about! Well, “completely independent” isn’t quite true since my blogs are still provided through Livejournal and Blogger.com, but it’s a step in the right direction.
For anyone interested, I think you can still find the remains of the old blog here.
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